


revenge of the cockle

by urieskooki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crack, M/M, im sorry i swore i wouldnt do this again but i did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urieskooki/pseuds/urieskooki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Kuki's birthday, which according to Haise means "Squad Bonding Time!" </p><p>Kuki just wants to go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	revenge of the cockle

**Author's Note:**

> fuck you rai this is why i cant send you funny videos but i do anyway ❤❤❤

As all bad things usually do (as in, Bad Things), it starts with a shitty idea of Haise’s, and a good idea (to not allow Haise’s shitty idea to happen) from Kuki.

“Absolutely not.” Kuki huffs, seated comfortably on his bed as he glares as sharply as he can at his beaming mentor, leaning on Kuki’s doorframe with a look on his face that can only be described as… _suspicious._ Puppy dog-like. Whatever.

“Come on, Urie, it’ll be fun!” Haise slumps over.

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

_“Please.”_

_“No.”_

“Pleeeease!”

“For the last fucking time, no.”

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-“

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, if I say yes will you piss off?”

Haise grins triumphantly, “Be ready by dinner time!”

Kuki groans and covers his face.

 

By dinner time, Kuki is indeed ready, and so is everyone else in the goddamn house, all dressed up in their fucking Sunday best. Shirazu even wore a fucking suit.

(Sexy).

They arrive at the restaurant, Yonebayashi tugging Haise in behind her like this is the best part of her day (probably is, considering how much of a goddamn _slob_ she is), while Mutsuki and Shirazu discuss something monotonous. Kuki lingers in the back, hands shoved in his pockets, and tries not to take advantage of their lack of attention to run away.

They’re seated quickly, Shirazu sliding in on his right, and Yonebayashi claiming the seat to Kuki’s left.

The minute Haise’s ass hits his seat, he launches forward excitedly, “So, how is your birthday going so far?”

“We literally just got here.” Kuki ignores Shirazu’s snort beside him, loosening his tie as he slides down in his seat, “Nothing has happened to decide whether it’s bad or not.” (Kuki’s betting on bad).

Haise just laughs good-naturedly, “You’re secretly a comedian, aren’t you, Urie?”

Inside… Kuki screams.

Comedians are his least favourite kind of people, right up there with hypocrites and and the Washuu’s. He hates people who try too hard to be funny, especially that one American movie star, whatever the fuck his name is. He’s the same idiot in every single one of his shitty movies- he’d know, Yonebayashi made him watch every single one.

Adam something or other.

“-rie!”

“Adam Sandler.” Is all Kuki blurts out, watching in abject horror as everyone slowly turns to look at him.

Shirazu puts his head on the table, shoulders heaving as he seemingly sobs into the tablecloth. Haise blinks and turns back to his conversation with Mutsuki. Yonebayashi starts wheezing, flopping on top of Shirazu.

“I was just- fuck, gonna ask if ya wanted a drink, h-holy shit.”

“Bourbon, holy _fuck_ off.”

Kuki puts his own head down on the table when Shirazu leaves with an, ‘Sure thing, Adam Fan-dler,’ and makes his way up to the bar.

Haise says nothing as Shirazu somehow manages to order everyone’s drinks despite being only nineteen.

Shitty restaurants with bars are the best kind of restaurant, Kuki decides when Shirazu slides in beside him again, plonking a suspiciously _not_ bourbon-like drink in front of him.

“A martini for the birthday ma- ow, _fuck.”_

Kuki decides it’s a good time to kick him under the table as he downs his drink and slams the glass back on the table.

“Fuck you, dickhead.”

Shirazu winks and Kuki kicks him again, adding, “In your dreams.” _(Maybe mostly mine though)_.

“Fu-huck, _stop!”_

“Be nice, boys.”

Simultaneously, they both shake their heads, glowering at each other.

The evening only goes downhill from there: Haise cries _twice,_ Shirazu keeps asking if Kuki is still obsessed with Adam Sandler, and then Saiko almost upturns a bowl of soup into Kuki’s lap.

Kuki curses every second of his own goddamn existence when Mutsuki suggests they partake in the hell that is karaoke. Because it isn’t like he _himself_ is bad at singing (he actually considers himself pretty able), but it’s with the _squad._

Even Kuki doesn’t hate himself enough to go do fucking _karaoke,_ of all god forsaken things, with his almost-not-really-at-all family on his own damn birthday.

Obviously, they do, because once Haise hears he’s all, _“Yes, family bonding, yeeesss, please, great idea, Mutsuki.”_

_Terrible idea, Mutsuki. Even worse than the idea to go out in the first place._

“Please stop.” Kuki finally says as Shirazu hands him a water when they get to the karaoke bar that somehow Haise found down the street from the restaurant. Shirazu, the bastard, just laughs and loosens his tie and unbuttons the first two buttons of his shirt (Kuki pretends he isn’t enraptured by the bob of his now bared neck when he swallows down his drink).

“I’ll go first!” Haise announces, and Kuki realises with a start that he’s tipsy enough to have stumbled into his seat instead of _sitting… like most people do._

“Woah, woah, easy there.” Saiko pushes him onto his own portion of the sticky, red, vinyl loveseat that they find themselves sprawled out on. Kuki snorts and shoves at her weakly, _fuck, this isn’t actually that bad._

He takes that back immediately when seven seconds later Haise breaks into a horribly accented, _Hello,_ by Adele. Briefly, he entertains the thought of somehow becoming deaf in the next few minutes as Haise pumps his fist in the air.

“It’s Saiko’s turn next.” Haise hands over the mic, sweating and laughing as he squishes into Saiko’s spot. She wiggles out and scans the song choices, then she grins, “I found a song for you, Shiragin. Don’t worry, I’ll queue it up for you.”

She breaks into what Kuki can only describe as… Pop Hell. She’s singing too obnoxiously for him to make out what exactly she’s saying, but he’s sure he recognizes that it’s not a Japanese band but they’re speaking Japanese anyway. She even does a dance as she sings. He wants to cry.

_“Oh, I’m curious, yeah.”_

_Thanks, I’m dead inside, you nasty, awful men._

She hands the mic off to Shirazu and collapses in his vacated spot, panting.

Shirazu cackles when he gets up onto the stage, standing in position, then he puts on this nasal voice and, “Some ** _BODY_** once told me-“

Kuki, honest to god, feels a tear drip from his eye, _I haven’t done anything to deserve this, yes, I’ve done some pretty shitty things, but I don’t deserve this._

The worst part is that Shirazu is singing such an awful song, yet he still manages to look so good. He runs his hand through his hair and tousles it enough that Kuki begins to wonder if that’s what it would look like if he was dropping to his knees and letting Kuki wind his hands into that _stupid_ hair and _gasping-_

_Shit._

Discreetly, Kuki crosses his legs.

Then, as if this could get any worse, Shirazu starts to sway in place, hips sliding smoothly (why did no one ever tell him Shirazu actually _can_ dance? Who the fuck didn’t make this common knowledge?).

“Only shooting stars break the,” His voice drops an octave, “Mold…” And he slut-drops and all hell breaks loose.

All Kuki can see, as if in slow-motion, is Shirazu slowly squatting and the crotch of his pants just… exploding. The saddest part is that if this wasn’t so close to going horribly wrong, is that Kuki probably would have been impressed. Like, really impressed. Shirazu can sure drop down low for someone so uncoordinated. And those thick, juicy thighs are so sprea-

Poof.

And he watches, mildly horrified, as Shirazu’s dick slides out of the gaping hole like some sort of disturbing hypnotiser’s pocket watch. It only completes a few swings before Shirazu is yelling and cupping himself to conceal what they’ve all already seen. It’s too late, Shirazu, it’s too late.

Everything sounds like it’s in a bubble. Boom, Kuki is entranced. _Take me away, you beautiful penis man._

_But **why** did he choose today, of all days, to go commando?_

He also realises the room is completely silent, and Kuki is so glad it’s a private room, because Shirazu’s eyes are meeting Kuki’s and he’s about ninety-five percent sure Shirazu has just started crying.

Haise breaks the silence with a cough, and then another, and then _another_ until Kuki realises Haise is laughing, head buried in his arms, “I’m- I’m so sorry, Shirazu, I just- Your _face!”_

“That’s really what yer concerned about? My face?” Shirazu squeaks, “My damn _face?”_

Bored, Kuki stands up and drags Shirazu out of the room by his tie.

“Oi, oi, easy, easy!” Shirazu grouses, face still pinker than Kuki’s ever seen it, “Shaddup. If ya dragged me out to laugh at me, _fuck you, Urie.”_

Kuki pushes Shirazu into the bathroom and shuts the door behind himself, “Now, you got the right idea.”

“Wha-“ Kuki cuts him off with a kiss, sucking his lower lip into his mouth, “Uri, what the _fuck?”_

Kuki pulls back and drops to his knees, “Is this making you forget you just showed us all your junk?”

_“No, it is fucking not!”_

“How about now?”

“Wha- Shit! Yes, I will admit you make a-a compelling… argu…ment.”

\------

Ten minutes later, Shirazu leaves the bathroom with a pair of pants that look suspiciously like Urie’s on, his other pair tucked over his arm. He seems considerably happier than when Urie dragged him away, Haise notes.

Urie comes out without any pants on, but he seems happier too.

Haise smiles, because it’s nice to see them getting along for once. And then, _hey, wait just a goshdarn second._

_“Urie!”_

**Author's Note:**

> based off [this hell](http://uriecocky.tumblr.com/post/139903016897/nutbreath-childservices-zodiacbaby) im so sorry
> 
> also [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va_GfPMxiz8) is what saiko sang i hate myself


End file.
